Only One Goal

by Kalie Marino

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We use to have an old furnace that used steam heat. I had to fill the boiler with water about once a month. One day, I was talking to a friend while I filled the boiler and forgot what I was doing. I went off shopping with my Mom and forgot that the water was still turned on. When we came home that night, water was spurting from the radiators, flooding the carpet, spraying the walls, furniture, drapes, and pouring over the piano keys. What a horrifying sight!

I was surprisingly calm as I walked to the basement and turned off the water. I was even calm when I discovered the furnace was ruined. Mom asked me how I could be so calm about this. I told her I had faith in God to take care of us. Besides, I knew our insurance would cover everything. It was easy to have faith under those circumstances. I felt very virtuous in my peace. I had been studying "A Course in Miracles" for a few months, and was sure that I had passed the test of faith. My spiritual ego was in great shape.

The next day, a furnace man came to assess the damage. He confidently told me he would help me lie about the cause of the damage, so that the insurance company would pay the high replacement cost. Fear filled my body as if someone had just emptied a quart of adrenaline directly into my veins. "What do you mean, they might not pay?" I shrieked. "I can't tell a lie." He laughed and told me I had better learn how to lie real quick, unless I had about $4,000 to pay for a new furnace plus the money to pay for the rest of the damage. Well, he might as well have said the furnace would cost four million dollars, because this was the 60's and there was no way I could come up with that amount of money.

What was I going to do? It was winter, and I couldn't let my family freeze. Should I lie? I considered lying as I drove to work. Which did I value more, my integrity or taking care of my family? That was an impossible choice to make. It was a double bind. I couldn't value my personal integrity over the welfare of others without being out of integrity, and I couldn't value physical comfort over integrity without believing that integrity has a price and therefore being out of integrity. My integrity would be lost by either choice. These are the kind of choices that the ego shows us. This was not a real choice at all. A real choice brings peace.

By the time I reached work, I was going over the Course in my mind, trying to figure out exactly how to apply it in this situation. The still small voice in my mind said, "Choose peace as your only goal and give the whole situation to God." I kept repeating, "I want the Peace of God." But it didn't seem to relieve my anxiety.

When the insurance adjuster returned my call, I heard myself blurting out the truth. I was trusting that if I was a good girl and told the truth, somehow, I would be rewarded for my virtue. I soon found out that the good girl rule wasn't one the insurance adjuster used for paying claims. He told me the water damage upstairs would be covered, but he didn't think the insurance company would pay for the damage to the furnace itself. "Insurance doesn't cover household appliances", he said. He promised to call the main office in New York, get their opinion, and call me back later.

Trusting God and wanting peace didn't seem to be getting me what I wanted. That was upsetting, too. Nothing was working! But weren't things suppose to work out right if we do the right thing.

Then I realized that I hadn't been trusting God at all. I had been trusting in the insurance company as my Source. Real peace is only possible when it is not dependent on external circumstances. As long as I saw the insurance company as my Source, I could only have peace if the insurance company paid my claim. That made peace extremely limited and dependent on outer circumstances.

Then I remembered an old affirmation, "God is my Source, my only Source." I wanted to totally trust God to take care of the furnace, one way or another. I reasoned that God could use the insurance company to take care of the furnace, but that wasn't the only way God could provide warmth for us. God had many avenues through which he could manifest support. I wanted to be able to trust God. However, at that moment, trust was only a thought, an idea I wanted to believe. I wasn't experiencing trust. I wasn't in a trusting state of mind. I didn't feel the peace of mind that comes with trust. I was terrified.

For the rest of the day, I chanted, "I want the peace of God. I want the peace of God." I was determined to experience peace before the insurance adjuster called to let me know what the insurance company would pay. I didn't want my peace to be dependent on the outcome of his call.

By late afternoon, I was much calmer, but not really at peace. When the adjuster called back, I prayed that he didn't have an answer yet. I needed more time to reach a state of peace. My prayer was answered when he said, "I won't know for sure until tomorrow." I was so relieved.

I was totally at peace by late that evening and grateful to be experiencing peace without knowing the insurance company's decision. I was at peace, knowing that God was in charge of the final outcome.

The next morning the insurance adjuster called to say, "The insurance company won't pay for the furnace." To my delight, I was totally at peace and accepting of this decision. I wasn't the least bit upset. I knew I was safely in God's Hands.

Instead of crying or getting angry, as I would have done earlier, I calmly asked him to help me understand the basis of their decision. I only wanted to understand their decision, not to argue with it. He explained, "The insurance policy does not cover malfunctioning appliances, only the damage they cause. It is up to homeowners to replace and maintain their own appliances." This made sense to me.

Then it occurred to me to ask him only one question. "If my car ran into one of my appliances and damaged it, would the appliance I damaged be covered by my homeowners insurance?"

"Yes. In that situation, it would be covered under accidental damage," he replied.

A light bulb came on in my mind. "But my furnace didn't malfunction. I accidentally damaged the furnace when I left the water turned on. My car didn't run into the furnace. My hand ran into it."

There was a long silence on the line. Then I heard the insurance adjustor say, "Your right. I didn't think of that. I'll call New York right away." The insurance company paid for everything!

If I had still been depending on my insurance to bring me peace, I would have panicked when the adjuster told me the company wasn't going to pay. My fear and anger would have completely clouded my mind, and I never would have even thought of that question. When I was at peace, my mind was crystal clear and receptive to guidance. It think an Angel whispered the question in my ear, and I could hear it, because I was at peace.

It always pays to seek peace first, knowing that everything else will be taken care of from that place of peace and power within. Jesus said, "Seek ye first the kingdom of Heaven, and everything else shall be added unto you." That's just good old common sense.

© 1984-2003 Kalie Marino, 215-672-1599