Trust: Rebuilding Trust

by Kalie Marino

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How do you open up to new possibilities when you are afraid of being disappointed, filled with self-doubt, or just plain skeptical? It is difficult to trust or believe when you have failed or been let down by life. This is a problem that many people have had to face, myself included at critical times in my life.

I have also had success envisioning what I wanted. Goal setting can be a very rewarding and inspirational experience that raises self esteem and self confidence as long as we get what we want. But that's the catch. We have to reach our goals to feel good about ourselves.

The problem is, goal setting strategies don't always work, and we may not know why. Many people have failed to get the results they wanted, including me. When it didn't work, sometimes I felt like a failure. According to self-help books, it worked for everyone else, so I concluded that either I didn't do it right or I didn't deserve to get what I wanted. Many people fail to get what they expect, which can be devastating to their self-esteem.

As a result of seeming failure or disappointment with life, many people decide they would rather expect the worst and be surprised if things turn out well than risk the pain of being disappointed once more. They decide to defend themselves against being hurt or disappointed, a decision that can be debilitating. It causes skepticism, negative thinking, hopelessness and depression, condemning the believers to unhappiness, illness or possibly death. However, expecting the worst does not protect us from being hurt. It causes us pain instead.

Exploring new possibilities for enjoying life, may be just what we need, but how do we heal this wound and safely begin anew? Wouldn't it be nice if we could? Wouldn't it be nice if we could be happy instead of fearful? Wouldn't it be nice if there was a way to go beyond our fears to freedom?

I once had a client that I'll call Joe who seemed to have a black cloud hanging over his head. If anything could go wrong in his life, it did. Before coming to me, Joe had been reading lots of self-help books, and he had used affirmations, positive thoughts, and goal setting. But nothing seemed to work for him. His underlying attitude may have been far too negative for anything to work. Since he was now educated about the power of thoughts, he could not only blame himself for his problems, but he could also blame himself for not thinking the correct way to pull himself out of his negativity. He was worse off than before he got this education; caught in a vicious cycle. He believed nothing worked for him, and he continually got to be right about that, which confirmed his belief and made him even more depressed. Joe believed he was defective. This feeling is not uncommon.

Joe was even afraid to hope to get better, because he didn't want to get his hopes up and be disappointed again. He clung to his idea that he would expect the worst and be pleasantly surprised if anything went well, even though he knew his negative thoughts were hurting him. Joe told me, "I'm use to my negativity. I can handle that. But I can't handle the pain of any more failure."

In spite of his black cloud and negative attitude, however, good things happened to Joe once in a while. Each time they did, I asked him to describe what was going on just prior to his good fortune. Over time, a clear pattern emerged In each case, Joe had just had the passing thought, "Wouldn't it be nice if . . . ." His wish came true without ever thinking about it again or without trying to make it happen.

"Wouldn't it be nice if . . ." is a powerful thought. Thinking of what he wanted in this gentle way allowed him to open his mind to new possibilities without expecting results. He discovered that his mind was very powerful. When he wasn't attachment to the outcome, his desires were fulfilled easily and effortlessly. Joe was pleasantly surprised each time.

Attachment is always fear-based. We become attached to getting a particular result because we believe there will be a negative consequence if we don't get it. It is not our desires that hurt us. It is our fear of not getting what we want, our attachment to results, that hurts us.

Joe began to realize he didn't have to expect the worst to protect himself from disappointment. He only had to be aware of what he wanted without expecting to get it. He began to practice enjoying his life without expecting the worst or the best. He remained open to the possibility of having his desires fulfilled as he continued to use his powerful phrase.

To desire without fear can be joyful. "Wouldn't it be nice to have that?" Wanting something is not painful, but it is painful to need something in order to be safe or happy.

Desires are natural. They come and go all the time. Let them be what they are without trying to get rid of them or make them come true. By allowing desires to be what they are, we can imagine their fulfillment, which is a joyful experience in itself, even without the physical manifestation of it.

"Wouldn't it be nice if ____ happened." This thought opens our minds and spirits to accept the possibility of new events. If it is God's Will and if it is what we really want at a deep level, it will manifest easily, once we have agreed to it. If we inhibit the desire, we block it's manifestation and stand in the way of our own happiness.

So be open to the possibility that some of your desires will be fulfilled, and let God decide which ones and how that will happen. Your job is only allow your life to unfold and your destiny to be revealed to you. Wouldn't it be nice to be joyously happy and fulfilled?